Marriage is Like a Ham Sandwich

A college roommate of mine told me that once. Makes a lot of sense. Tasty, comforting, not messy. Or maybe he was drunk. I should stop there.

People ask me what I think about when I am not looking at charts, so I thought I would take this long weekend to put a few thoughts down.

Taking a Shower Should be Like Cooking Corn. Midwesterner’s will know this right off the bat. When you cook corn you heat the water to a boil and ideally just as it is coming to a boil you are picking the ears from the stalks, shucking them and putting them in the pot for precisely 6 minutes. The water is ready. Cook the corn. Take it out. 15 minute showers are a waste. You are not that dirty.

Anatomy Would be So Much More Fun if Teenagers Taught It. Speaking of corn, imagine if instead of a rectum you had a corn hole, or a nut sack instead of testicles, jugs instead of boobs, oh wait, breasts. We would not teach about intercourse but laying pipe. Meg Whitman knows what I mean.

Listen to the Words Before Singing Out Loud. Some of the best songs on the radio are about really cruel and despicable acts. My wife loved that Eminem/Rhianna duet Love the Way You Lie until I told her it was about the ending between an abusive couple with her being burned to death tied to the bed. Not so great anymore. And how many people got married to Bob Seger’s song about a one night stand, We’ve Got Tonight. Foster the People’s Pumped Up Kicks is a great tune, but do you want to introduce it to your 7 year old before realizing that it may be about the Columbine shooting? The words can inspire as well. And many song lyrics do so. Choose wisely. My wedding song was I Will Love You by Fisher, by the way and I cry when I even think about it.

Why Does God Need Me to Go to His House at the Same Time Every Week? He is everywhere right? Can he not hear me if I am sitting at home. I mean come on, half the people at church just mouth the words anyway. And why say anything anyway. He (or She) already knows what I am thinking right? It would be so much more convenient if I could just think a few things when I get up on the way to get my coffee. Well, my wife and I are starting an experiment this week, conducting our Saturday 4:30pm Mass at the bar at Palladar with a couple of Mojito’s. I will let you know how it goes. Tata for now.

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